Time For A Bigger Ring

Every now and then something unexpected happens to put a smile on my face. This weekend gifted me one of those such moments and it happened at the car dealership of all places.

Due to an unfortunate event (another story) I needed to take our van in for some emergency work and some regular maintenance. Fortunately, my husband was violently ill and couldn't work. How sad that I was ecstatic that he was home, even if it was because he was so sick he couldn't stand up straight or be more than 10 feet from a bathroom. It's the small things that make me happy:-)

A trip to the dealership could not have waited. We are talking embarrassing sounds, and something dragging on the pavement. This isn't a mechanical blog so I won't try to explain. I am glad that whatever my husband ate the previous day decided to wreck havoc when it did. Again, sorry he had to suffer, but his suffering was my bliss. That sounds bad too.

But imagine for a moment going to the dealership with 4 kids. Yeah, no fun!

So I am at the dealership all by myself on a beautiful morning. I sat outside and talked on the phone to my friend from two moves ago and I am having a great time. An uninterrupted phone call! All the while feeling guilty that I have left my kids with a sick man who won't be able to do anything if they need him. The house could burn and he would be in no shape to save anyone, not even himself. It was the same as leaving my children alone, but without a crime being committed. But I'm alone.... finally!

And it just gets better. My car is finished and ready to go in less than 2 hours. As I get in my car and ready to pull away this young man walks over to my van and motions for me to roll down the window. I wonder what I have forgotten or what it could be. This is what it is:

Him: shyly. "Um, hi. I don't usually do this .......... but, are you married?"

Me: flattered. "Yes I am".  In my head thinking do you see the huge van I am driving? Unobservant, not my type.

Him: fumbling for his business card. "Oh, well. Um, my name is X and if you ever need anything and the dealership is closed you can call me and I can get you in touch with whoever you need. I don't work in the service department, I work in sales, but I'll do what I can to help you out".

Me: creeped out, but take the card. "Thank you, X. I appreciate that. Have a nice day."

Yes, it was a little creepy, but come on I am nearly 40 and can't remember the last time I was hit on. Maybe this doesn't even qualify as being hit on, but that young man was in his late twenties, a good decade younger than I am. Either my beauty products are doing what they claim to or he needs glasses.

Driving a mini van may not be enough to advertise my marital status, maybe I need a bigger ring. My husband would say I just need to wear the ring he gave me. Yes, I should but my hands are in a permanent state of swollen. So maybe I do need a bigger ring.... just not the kind I was originally thinking.

Buried Alive

I am coming up from air after spending the last week going through paperwork. My unofficial and unpaid title is now administrative assistant to Associate Professor of Neurosurgery DrH.

The good doctor was under that impression that once he got the job he was finished completing paperwork and used our home address for all his professional and personal correspondence. Most of this paperwork comes with URGENT or TIME SENSITIVE stamped on the front envelopes and little yellow tabs with instructions to SIGN HERE. Lots and lots of yellow tabs. I have signed my name more times this past week than I ever did as a dreamy high school student doodling my name beside my boyfriends with little hearts. We are talking hand-cramp inducing paperwork. Eye ball bulging paperwork. Bloody finger paperwork.

There are forms to fill out when you move. There are forms to submit when you start a new job. There are forms to fill out when you want to protect your investments. Forms for getting paid correctly. Forms for taxes, benefits, 401(k), beneficiaries, etc. Forms for everything, and then another form for good measure. I wish I would have taken a picture. Our personal insurance documents alone was a stack of paper 3 inches high. It was heavy!

Because I like having things done and in order I have taken the job upon myself. My husband has good intentions and he wants to help, but he is trying to stay afloat in his new world. Reading through documents is not something he makes time for after work, and I can't blame him for that. Most nights he sits on the couch, turns on a movie and falls asleep in the first 5 minutes. I wake him up when I go to bed so he can move somewhere more comfortable.

So many things I couldn't anticipate about the transition from resident/fellow to full fledged attending. It is a different ball game. Between trying to make a good impression on the people you work with, not killing anyone, adjusting to new techs/reps/nurses, learning how to maneuver within the system (who to stay away from who to make friends with) and adjusting to new hours under intense pressure, he is buried alive in his own way, too.

It's been rough watching confidence teeter as others outside of his service second guess his decisions, or would have done things differently. It's been difficult to see how the daily pace and call schedule has run him into the ground. Two surgeons cover the entire service for the hospital. He doesn't sleep well when he is on call (never has) in anticipation of a call that may or may not come, and he is on call frequently.  He has dropped a few pounds, which he isn't complaining about, but I worry that it is from stress and not exercise. With his schedule exercise has been hit or miss but stress has been his constant companion. These first two weeks have been brutal on all of us.

He just wants to sleep in past 7:00 one day. Either it's early to the hospital or early to the gym every day. I know that he isn't eating well because he isn't taking anything from the house, and he comes home famished. If I were a good administrative assistant I might call his wife and suggest that she prepare something for him to take to work. I save left-overs for him but can't make him take them.

We try to talk about things, but in all honesty when he gets home the first thing I want to do is get out of the house alone. I joined a gym and if he is home before 8 pm I go. If he comes home later I go to my room and read a book. I need downtime in order to function and with a full house and everyone on top of each other all day it is hard to come by. Not really the recipe for a healthy marriage. Hopefully, one day we will figure out how to make sense of our new reality. We are going to schedule a vacation soon and regularly. He needs them and I won't attempt to dissuade him.

A Bag of Cookies is Often Required

Some days the only thing that feels good is eating an entire bag of cookies alone in your room. I feel like I binged responsibly by buying a small bag instead of a regular size bag. I knew exactly what I was going to do with that bag when I bought it, even though I told my daughter that they were going to be for dessert that night. When she asked about them later I replied that I tried them and they were gross. I lied. I ate the entire bag. Not because they were especially delicious, but because I wanted to! With every cookie I put into my mouth I knew what I was doing. I wasn't eating unconsciously, I ate each cookie with intention.

It's a good thing I didn't buy a variety that I knew I loved, like Oreos. They don't stand a chance in my presence. Even still, I ate the bag and threw the evidence away. I wanted to eat them as an act of rebellion. Against who? I guess myself!

I have been watching my weight, exercising, eating better, and in general just looking out for myself. But why bother? In the last eight months nothing has changed. Sure I lost a pound or two, but then gained a pound or two. I weigh exactly the same, my clothes fit the same as they did then, and nothing seems to be working. I was sure when I put my summer clothes away at the end of the season last year that they would be loose by now. How could they not with all the "good" I had been doing? But they fit exactly they way they did when they were packed away. How disappointing!

Either I am not extreme enough, or consistent enough, or disciplined enough - but those all feel like lies. I know that isn't true. I was consistent and disciplined, and changed my exercise and eating behaviors for the better - only my "better" must be manifested on the inside only because the outside hasn't changed. Sure I want my insides to be healthy, but I would really like the outside to look as good as the inside.

What is the point of working diligently only to have minimal results that are fleeting? One bag of chips and you have to start all over. A week off from exercise and you are right back where you were months ago. That is crazy! Eight months ago before I started this new program of eating/exercising I wasn't doing anything. I was eating what I wanted, when I wanted, and not exercising. I baked yummy treats for my kids and enjoyed them with them - things were fine. Only I wasn't as trim as I wanted to be. But after doing months of work I am no trimmer today than I was then, but I have missed out on plenty of cookies and ice cream.

I have no idea what is going on. Is that what late 30's is like? Is this what I have to look forward to for the next decade, and the rest of my life? I am not overly harsh on myself. I don't expect myself to look like I did before kids. If only I knew how awesome I looked then. I am not looking for magic, and I want to do things naturally.  I  want to tone up. I don't even really care if my weight or clothing size changes much I just want what I have to be tighter.... and it's not happening. I feel loose and old.

So for the last two weeks I have given up on exercise, I haven't done anything. I have still be eating healthy, natural foods with the exception of the bag of cookies I ate yesterday.

My husband thinks I am crazy and have some body image issues. He may be a tad right, but he is also wrong. If there is work to be done, I believe in doing the work. Everyone should try to be their best self inside and out. Why shouldn't I try to make things better? Yes, I look good with clothes on, but sometimes you have to take off your clothes, or wear short sleeves! It is summer after all, and the pool opened this last weekend. Nothing like that even to remind you that another season has come and the beach body you were working towards didn't show up.

I recently read about fat triggers. That for people who are unable to lose weight there is often an underlying "trigger" that prevents them from burning fat the way the body wants to. It literally blocks them from responding to the things that we know should work: exercise and diet. For some people these triggers are past emotional abuses, traumatic life events,  medications, over dieting, nutritional famine (eating calories, but not nutrients), stress, limiting beliefs, and there were at least half a dozen others.

I recognize that there have been things in my past that I haven't dealt with entirely and blame myself for. I replay things that cannot be changed over and over again looking for ways I could have altered the outcome - that's not a healthy exercise and it certainly doesn't burn any calories.

Or it could be stress, I seem to have plenty of that. But isn't that just a way of life? Aren't most people stressed? Stress seems like a cop out. I know I am a bit of a control freak and like to be in charge of the things that I am impacted by. I recognize that the feeling of being out of control is uncomfortable for me. I know I need to chill out, but chilling out doesn't seem to get things done. I don't know how to do both.

And then limiting beliefs. This might be the biggest block for me, not just in my weight story but my life story. A misconception that I am not good enough, that I don't deserve the good that has come to me. The wonderful things I have been dreaming of will never be a reality. Logically, I realize how ridiculous that is. Emotionally, it's harder to let go of.

I think in some ways I am afraid to be thin, or fit. Like somehow my success in that area will make others around me feel less successful.  I am holding on to an extra 5-10 lbs as some kind of sick security blanket. What am I afraid of? Maybe the answer to that question is the key to my break through. When I can figure that out and do something about it maybe the extra pounds and inches will give up their stubborn hold on me.

Is there a magic pill to help that process along? If I change the way I think, can I change the way my body responds?

If There Was A Good Time This Would Be It!

Something nasty has hit our household. Part of our household. This week my two little ones and I have been sick, sick, sick.

Symptoms: cranky, irritable, headache, general body aches, low fevers, runny noses, lethargy, want to stay in my pajamas all day (and do), watch moves all day (and do), and no appetite (so I don't). Guess who is the only one in the house who didn't get the flu shot? I wish I could have just had it done at the pediatricians office when the kids got theirs. Why don't they?

If there ever was a good time to be sick this would be it. It took all day, but even being sick I baked and frosted about 7 dozen cookies. They are the cookies that I use as a drug this time of year. They are so good. These particular cookies (sour cream sugar cookies) are probably also part of the reason I find it so difficult to keep weight off during the holidays. But, when you are sick nothing tastes good and you don't feel like eating. Period.

I am going to call it a blessing in disguise. They will be packaged up and sent to neighbors today. Everything takes longer when you are sick so if I start now I might finish before this evening. I wish you were my neighbor, I would bring you some.

And perhaps the best piece of timing: Army Wives season 6 is out on Netflix. So while frosting cookies   I watched 4 episodes, and will probably finish the season before the weekend is up - especially if this illness doesn't pass soon.

I hope the hospital where you are is slowing down for the holidays. Some services seem to, others not so much. Right now, not too many electing to be sliced and diced before the big day. After Christmas might be a different story. I suppose this counts as another "good timing" blessing, because the doctor was home early (4 pm) yesterday and should be home before dinner again today.

The First Christmas Card

If you haven't already been clued in, I am a little behind in the calendar department and have found December to be in full swing without my consent.

Imagine my horror when I opened the mailbox to see the first Christmas card of the season. I audibly gasped! I am not ready for Christmas cards.

It was my hope to have our Christmas cards ready by Thanksgiving so we could be the early ones. Not because I like being first so as to appear all put together and organized, but because we moved and didn't get around to sending the "WE MOVED" cards so people could update their address books so when Christmas rolled around they would have the correct address. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone by just sending the Christmas cards before anyone else did. Didn't happen. Might not ever happen.

It's already the 4th. I don't have a picture. But I did buy cards. The addresses are collected. The stamps have not been purchased.

Theoretically, I could mail my cards this week. But there is the issue of the picture. My options are:

1) don't include a picture at all
2) include a picture of just the kids randomly pulled off my computer
3) try to get a picture of all of us (scheduling appointments is a nightmare).

If we don't include a picture of the family will everyone assume that I have gained too much weight and don't want to be seen?

If I do include a photo will they think I am just showing off my trim and fabulous self?

Listen to this crazy talk! Who am I sending cards to anyway? We don't send them to people who are monitoring our weight hopefully. Those people can stalk us on Facebook!

Anyway, I will figure it out. In the meantime, I am glad to know that the USPS change of address we submitted in April is still in effect. We may receive all of our Christmas cards this year, even if they are addressed to an old address.

And the joy of it is, we get to do the whole "WE MOVED" again next year, and probably the year after that. Maybe in our Christmas card we should suggest that they write our address in pencil and keep a good eraser handy.

Medicine and Money

I have had this show on my DVR (thanks to my husband who recognized this is my kind of programming) for the last few weeks, and finally started to watch it last night. It is fascinating. You should check out Medicine and Money on PBS. I can highly recommend it. Makes perfect sense to me.

Let me add that just because my husband recorded it for me doesn't mean that he is interested in watching it. He saw a couple of minutes and said, I don't need to watch this. And he is right. This is what he lives every day.

One of the patients they highlighted is very sick. Tubes, wires, monitors everywhere. She has been there for 10 months. I turned to him and told him that in no way would I want to be hospitalized without being able to communicate or feed myself for 10 months. This may sound harsh, but it was obvious even to me, without any medical training, that she wasn't going to recover no matter how much faith her son had. And I am a believing person. I believe in miracles, but come on ... this woman isn't going to make it. She was sick before she even was taken to the hospital after suffering a stroke. Now she has a feeding tube, breathing machine, is non-verbal, and on dialysis.

The hospital ethics committee had to issue a DNR (do not resuscitate) order because the family wasn't budging. The family believed that this is what she would want - to be kept alive as long as possible using whatever means necessary. Really? Did she write that down? The hospital told them that if she gets another infection/symptom they will not treat it as it is an indication that what they have been doing will not work. They will make her comfortable, but no additional symptoms will be treated. I wish I knew what the final outcome was! As one participate rightly pointed out "we all will die eventually".

And this is where I get all opinionated with my views on prevention. Remember my post about health-care, it's like that - sure to ruffle some feathers. If you are of the mind-set that you want to be kept alive at all costs for as long as possible what are you doing before you land in the hospital to make sure you are extending your own life by whatever means are necessary? Think about your life while you still have it to enjoy. Don't spend a little bit every day slowly killing yourself with things you know could cause you harm and then expect medicine to be the super-hero that invokes whatever means are necessary to keep the pronouncement of death from falling upon you. Eventually you will die, too!

Lest I sound like a hypocrite I do take my own advice. Another program I would suggest watching is Forks Over Knives. I have nearly transitioned over to a plant-based diet. Why? Not because I care about the cows and chickens - I watched those shows too. And I felt bad for a few days, but not enough to make me to do anything. But this program actually persuaded me to change because I could connect the dots and it made sense to me. I eat well, exercise and am only 6 lbs away from my goal weight now. I feel amazing. I was bragging to my husband that not only are my pants falling off, but my skin looks better and I have more energy than I did before. That must mean good things are happening on the inside too. I digress.

Medicine is amazing, but extending life when it has been exhausted isn't what it was intended for! No wonder medicine is so expensive. We are keeping people alive (possibly against their true wishes because they failed to tell someone or write them down) who by all accounts have already died. The woman I previously mentioned, just her care alone, has cost 5 million dollars over 10 months and will only continue to accrue costs directly to Medicare. In other words we will pay that bill with our taxes.

If something happens to me. I don't want my family grieving and holding out hope beyond a reasonable time. I don't want to be kept alive for weeks and months just because it is technologically possible when all medical indications suggest my "life" will not recover. I don't want to rob my family of their life because they are spending their time at my hospital bed hoping for a dramatic recovery. I don't want to drag out the inevitable. I don't want to cause a financial burden to either my family or my fellow citizens who could possibly be on the hook for it. Personally, I don't think that is right.

I am OK with dying. I don't want to die right now, but I want to have a life to live not merely a semblance of life.

When did it become a bad thing to die after you have lived a long life? I don't know of anyone who thinks they would like to die in a hospital hooked up to machines. Ideally, I would like to die an old woman in my sleep after a full day holding hands with my husband. I know that is unrealistic, but  I want to have the freedom to die on my own terms when the time comes, and with dignity. Until then I want to enjoy it.

I need a living will and medical directive. I don't want anyone guessing what I might want, or feeling guilty if they don't go to extreme measure just because they don't want the guilt associated with making a decision; a decision that I realize would be hard to make. I will make it for myself and leave them without guilt for following what I expressly have decided. It is the least I could do for those that I love. Now to get it done.

The program also touched on rising c-section rates, mammography, and PSA screening as well as highlighting specific states that are making good health care decisions with their patients and bringing down total health care costs at the same time. That is a win-win.

I think of my dad who is turning 60 this year and hasn't had an annual physical in at least the last 5 years, maybe longer. He looks like a healthy guy, his family risk factors lean towards Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease (the slow death) and not heart disease, diabetes, or cancer.  Our family (both sides) have all died from natural causes, and my grandfather (80 years old) would still be here if he hadn't had knee surgery. It was a blood clot (PE) a few days post-operative that killed him. But he had bad knees from being obese. One could make the argument that if he hadn't spent 30+ years overweight, he might not have needed knee replacement and thus no blood clot. Or maybe the doctor shouldn't have agreed to replace the knee until he lost weight.

I completely understand why my dad doesn't want to go see a doctor. If you look for something hard enough you will eventually find something. His view is he would rather not know what is going to kill him. Especially when you consider that just because you screen for something doesn't mean you actually have it, or that it will be life threatening. Yeah, I would rather not know in that case, too.

Have you seen the PBS program Medicine and Money? What did you think? Are you going to watch it now:-)

Do you have a living will or medical directive?

Blank

That is what I am drawing today... a complete BLANK. Since I started eating healthier and exercising more I feel like I can hardly think about anything else. That could be a good thing. Or is my "blankness" a result of something else? Hmmm.

Since I mentioned it, I've lost 4 pounds so far. That makes me pretty happy. I did have a day last week where I fell off the wagon and ate some very bad things - and they made me feel icky, but I couldn't stop. That is how I got into trouble in the first place. Learning to stop is tricky, but I am working on it.

Kids driving me crazy after a long day? Where is the chocolate? And before you know it all the chocolate in the house is in my belly. Did it ever really make me feel better? Yes and No.

Yes, because it took the edge off while it was being devoured. No, because I always felt guilty about not treating myself better.

I will admit when I am home alone and it's been a rough day and the kids have finally been put to bed, I think about those days. The cookies, the brownies, the chocolate candy, the ice cream, oh my. I wish it were possible to taste it without swallowing. Would it be weird if I just started licking my treats? And then I immediately walk into the bathroom and brush my teeth. There is nothing I dislike more than ruining a minty fresh mouth with food.

Junk Food or Weight Loss

I have been debating for a while about adding some of my go-to recipes for when life gets out of control and I feel beat. I quickly realized that most of the things I go to are baked goods. Some of which I can whip up in 15 minutes from pantry to mouth (the no-bake variety when emergency calls). I am not going to even think about that right now.

Instead of adding that topic to my blog, I've opted instead to stop talking about needing to lost a few pounds and do something about it. I need to thank a few of my blog friends for their encouragement. I am thinking specifically of my new acquaintance over at Delicious Fitness. I met her at the Medical Monday's blog hop!

It is time to stop making excuses and get to work.

Last night I asked my husband to take the before pictures. I did, and I almost wish that I didn't. I half considered posting them here with my face cut out, but I am not that brave. They were worse than I expected.

I was somewhat pleased that I was able to get the bikini I wore on our honeymoon 8 years ago even on my body... that says not all is lost, right?

Really? It is a bikini which could basically fit any size person. The real test would have been a one piece. Even a one piece in the right size is hard to get on, but a size or two too small - forget about it.

I wasn't expecting what I saw. I almost cried. I had no idea I looked like that. With clothes on I feel rather fit and trim. What is under the clothes is anything but fit. In fact, it is a whole lotta flab and just a couple of donuts away from a full on muffin top spilling over. My muscle tone has completely vanished and I look old. That is what I get for not doing ANYTHING for the last 6 months.

That's right I have lived a completely sedentary lifestyle. And it only takes a few months to lose everything you had going. I miss what it used to be.

Even with that photo (front, side, and back) to encourage me I wasn't able to get up early enough this morning to exercise. I thought maybe enlisting the help of my husband would make it easier, but it isn't. He gets up at 4:30 am but I am not ready to be awake at that time. I thought maybe we could work out together, at home, before he leaves. We are both too beat. And honestly he is a push over. All I have to do is look at him with those eyes and he will stay in bed with me instead of kicking me out to get to work. He loves me just the way I am (good man).

This isn't turning into a weight loss blog. From time to time I will check back in to let you know I am still hard at work and maybe when I see some progress I will be brave enough to post my before and after photos.

Sorry if you were looking forward to my no-bake peanut butter oatmeal cookies. I was too, but not today.