Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Where Have You Been?

Remember that time that I used to be a "blogger"? I use that term loosely because I realize this was mostly was an online journal, part self-help, part warning, part talking out loud... it played a lot of parts for me. That was 5 years ago!!!! I have missed it. I didn't know how much until I sat down today. Now I want to cry tears of joy, that it is still here and didn't somehow disappear with me.

In those five years a lot of things changed:

We had a baby after 40 - May 2016
Job change - December 2016
We put our our dream home up for sale - July 2017.
Job change - July 2017
We moved out of state - January 2018.
We patiently/not so patiently waited for that house to sell - May 2018.
We rented, and then bought again - October 2018

And something pretty magical happened, although it didn't feel very magical at the time. As I read back through some of the blog posts right before I disappeared from this blog, I knew something was getting ready to shift and I didn't know what. Five years later, I can clearly see what was happening. I was shifting.

Call it a metamorphosis, transformation, conversion.... whatever it was a new me was born, and I emerged better, stronger, more capable, and more in control that I ever was. Let me be clear it was  very uncomfortable and didn't happen overnight. But momentum was building, and change was happening.

The summer of 2015 we celebrated my 40th birthday in Hawaii. It was pretty magical:-) During that trip we laid on the beach, read books on the balcony overlooking the water, ate shaved ice, hiked beautiful trails, ate more delicious food, and talked a lot about the future and what it would look like.

Consider yourself warned. Conversations of this kind have serious consequences. You will see.

It was the kind of conversation that requires being removed from work. For him, that was removed from the hospital. For me, it was removed from the home and kids. The kind of conversation where you can dream and think bigger than you ever allowed yourself to dream.

At the end of that conversation it was apparent that my husband's current job was not going to be the vehicle for living out the career of his dream.

We were at a tipping point. It was do or die. If he was going to pursue his dream it would mean changing jobs and fairly soon.

And remember that conversation, I am pretty sure that is how we ended up with a surprise baby!

I had a really hard time with that unexpected pregnancy at 40! I mean really hard time. When I found out I didn't talk to my husband for a few weeks, and even when I did start talking to him it took a while to get back to normal. It was rough.

I am embarrassed by the things I was thinking and feeling towards him, about what was going to happen, and how this was totally unfair to me. Our youngest at the time was 5 years old. We were out of the baby/toddler/pre-k phase and entering the holy land. Or at least that was the plan.

Well-laid plans?

Turns out everything happens exactly as it is meant to be. And looking back I can absolutely see it. This month our beautiful daughter turned 3. We are potty training, again.

The last 5 years have been difficult, beautiful, terrifying, turbulent, amazing, miraculous, and inspiring. Part of what made it so amazing, is not what happened to my husbands career, but what happened to me.

You see, after that initial surprise of the baby wore off and I began to accept what was going to be, I started thinking about all sorts of things. Like how can something that is so unwanted turn out to be the very thing you need? How can it be both?

I started listening to mentors that I now call friends. People who were talking about things I never considered possible before. They explained how what I thought was the worst thing was all in my thinking. That the reason I see it as the very best thing now, is just because I choose to see it that way. And my mind exploded. What else was I thinking that could be wrong? Turns out a lot of things.

After a year or so soaking up all the goodness I could find, listening to podcasts, reading books, joining coaching programs, workshops, etc. I felt myself become alive again. I decided in the midst of moving to another state that I would become a Life Coach and help teach other people how to live their best life.

For the past year I have been a student at The Life Coach School. I am a Certified Professional Life and Weight Coach. I think I have always been a life coach, I just didn't know it. I think this blog helped me discover who I am, what I am capable of, and that letting it go for 5 years was the way it was supposed to be.

So what is next?

Well, I'm glad you have read this far and want to know. That's funny, because I don't even know if people still read this blog. Just in case.

I am working on a new website/blog. It will be up and running in July 2019. This blog has been amazing for me, but I am different now and my blog needs to change with me. Not just a tune up but a completely different blog to reflect who I am now.

My goal there will be essentially the same as it was here. To connect and share information with the women that I love. I can say I love you because anyone who travels this medical journey as far as we have, or will, is my sister.

I will be sure to post the link when it goes live. Thank you for being a reader of my blog and for supporting me, sharing your stories, and letting me be a part of your life. I am back.