Thursday, June 26, 2014

This Is What Procrastination Looks Like

I love frolicking in procrastination and anxiety, don't you?

I have a big birthday party at our home this weekend. Today is Thursday and I've managed to not:

  • clean the bathrooms
  • change the sheets
  • wash the windows
  • sweep the floors
  • vacuum the carpets/rugs
  • pull the weeds
  • spread the mulch
  • spray off the patio
  • make a grocery list
  • order the balloons
  • decide what to feed the group
  • surely there is something else
And I can't even remember what I forgot! I am procrastinating that too.

The point is, I don't know what I am going to do with 40 people this weekend for four hours. So instead of working it out, I am biting my nails and surfing the Internet. I've already located friends from high school, checked the news online twice, feed my kids cookies for breakfast and popcorn for lunch, read every semi-interesting email and article from Facebook, thought about signing up for Twitter, read blog posts and basically haven't moved a muscle. 

I am paralyzed. This is my family. My husbands family. Close friends. I shouldn't feel this much pressure. I know it is just me. If it were just a 4 hour party that would be one thing, but some of these people are coming from out of town and are going to stay with us on Friday night. I will have 11 additional people in my household for 24 hours. I don't trust my nieces and nephews to not break a window or tear plants out of the ground, or general respect our home. We don't have enough places to sit comfortably and the flooring is tile. It's too hot outside and there is no where to sit outside. 

I like to procrastinate and fret in solitude and now doing it here is even starting to feel uncomfortable.

I am not a party person. I don't like hosting them. Sometimes I don't even like going to them. I felt obligated in a since to have one and so am using one event to kill all the birds, summer birthdays and housewarming in one. I put way to much pressure on myself and it results in these moments of complete procrastination and performance anxiety. This is the first time we will have hosted an event in our new home.

It's a party. No one is going to care if its too hot, too hard, and not just right. It isn't the end of the world. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I am going to ponder a little further about getting out of this chair and getting to work. 


Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Have You Met My Breasts?

We attended the annual surgical residents graduation dinner recently and I have never seen so many breasts! They were everywhere. Even I couldn't help myself from staring. I would have been happy had a suckling child been attached to one, but these were just exposed breasts sitting atop dinner plates across the table from me.

I couldn't even tell you anything else about the dinner other than Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!

We had the good fortune or misfortune to sit at the back of the room. I didn't know any one there, and we attended because there is a mandatory department picture that takes place before. And who am I kidding? I love a free meal at a nice hotel without the children. What I didn't realize is that we would be sitting across from the largest and most exposed bosom in the entire room. Her name is the only one I remember, and it's not in a good way.

I looked around and boobs were falling out everywhere. I felt like a nun wearing a habit in comparison. Trying to be the classy doctors wife, and make a good impression, I wore a nice cocktail dress in an appropriate length with appropriate cleavage coverage and adequate support from chest to thigh. (I despise my own jiggle but love my body when it is compressed). Apparently if the weather is warm, clothing is optional particularly on the upper half. I didn't get that memo.

If you are going to let your girls hang out and be the star of the show (or dinner) you should treat them right and that means support! Especially if you are proud that they are real. The real ones need support the most. That goes for the young girls too. You might think they are perky, but you still should wear a bra. They make bras for every neckline. But most importantly, they should never, ever, sit directly atop the table.

If you have a large chest you might not be able to wear a dress off the rack. Find a good tailor and get the dress to fit. This particular woman was another doctor, not a resident, she should be able to afford a dress that fits or at least a tailor. Unless her plan was to make everyone in the room a wee bit uncomfortable. There are people like that.

This was an awkward dinner and one that I will never forget.

Except, now I remember another residency dinner from years gone by. Every year there is at least one person that wears something so inappropriate it is seared in your mind forever!

Please dress responsibly. A public service announcement from a doctors wife that doesn't want you to be forever known as the lady with exposed boobs sitting on dinner plates. You can do better.


Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Dead Bird House

This is the time of year when the blogosphere is in full moving swing. Everyone in medicine moves in June. It is a fact of life. But, I bucked that tradition and moved months ago and just waited until June to officially declare it as so. I am no longer tied down to medical school, residency, or fellowship. I am free to make my own terrifying decisions about where to live and when to move. Take that medicine!

Back to our move. We were going to name our new home something beautiful and grand, like Twelve Oaks, but that doesn't exactly describe it. The name it wants to be called so badly is the Dead Bird House. It is what it is.

We live in a glass house. The birds don't know what glass is. Dead Bird House.

I washed the windows. They need to be washed again. We have two bird "imprints" already. At least 4-5 times a day we hear a "thud" that makes me think something has fallen off the wall. Four birds have already passed from this life and on to bird heaven before their time. It is a problem that I don't know the remedy for. The house is already here. It isn't a mobile home that we can pick up and move. I can't send a message to the birds to change their flight path. Are they trying to run me out of town? What do I do about the birds?

Currently we are nursing back to health (at least I think that is what we are doing) a small bird that smacked into our window earlier today. We thought it was certainly dead. On it's back, feet in the air, twitching a little.

What is the humane and moral thing to do?

Do I take a shovel and put it out of it's misery?

Do we just watch it suffer? We can all see it from the living room!

Do I move it so it can suffer alone and leave us in peace?

All of the above sounded so callous and wrong. In the end I decided to take the kids for a ride and see if the bird wouldn't naturally pass. See what I just did. Ignore the problem and distract.

When we can home an hour later the bird was upright, but not moving. I mean seriously not moving. What kind of bird would just sit and let four children gather around without twitching? I warned the kids to not touch the bird. Something about once you touch it the bird will smell like you and the other birds will peck it to death. I have no idea if that is true, but it sounds like something I heard once.

I can't be responsible for a bird dying that way. Pecked to death by it's family.

So the bird is upright. I bring out a shallow plate and put some water in. It is summer after all, and surely birds get thirsty too. I put the dish right up against the bird and it didn't move. I don't know if it has had anything to drink. I think it moved it's head, but I don't know how much longer the poor thing has to live.

Every few minutes I look over hoping that it will recover and fly away to live happily every after. I don't want to think about the alternative.