Some days the only thing that feels good is eating an entire bag of cookies alone in your room. I feel like I binged responsibly by buying a small bag instead of a regular size bag. I knew exactly what I was going to do with that bag when I bought it, even though I told my daughter that they were going to be for dessert that night. When she asked about them later I replied that I tried them and they were gross. I lied. I ate the entire bag. Not because they were especially delicious, but because I wanted to! With every cookie I put into my mouth I knew what I was doing. I wasn't eating unconsciously, I ate each cookie with intention.
It's a good thing I didn't buy a variety that I knew I loved, like Oreos. They don't stand a chance in my presence. Even still, I ate the bag and threw the evidence away. I wanted to eat them as an act of rebellion. Against who? I guess myself!
I have been watching my weight, exercising, eating better, and in general just looking out for myself. But why bother? In the last eight months nothing has changed. Sure I lost a pound or two, but then gained a pound or two. I weigh exactly the same, my clothes fit the same as they did then, and nothing seems to be working. I was sure when I put my summer clothes away at the end of the season last year that they would be loose by now. How could they not with all the "good" I had been doing? But they fit exactly they way they did when they were packed away. How disappointing!
Either I am not extreme enough, or consistent enough, or disciplined enough - but those all feel like lies. I know that isn't true. I was consistent and disciplined, and changed my exercise and eating behaviors for the better - only my "better" must be manifested on the inside only because the outside hasn't changed. Sure I want my insides to be healthy, but I would really like the outside to look as good as the inside.
What is the point of working diligently only to have minimal results that are fleeting? One bag of chips and you have to start all over. A week off from exercise and you are right back where you were months ago. That is crazy! Eight months ago before I started this new program of eating/exercising I wasn't doing anything. I was eating what I wanted, when I wanted, and not exercising. I baked yummy treats for my kids and enjoyed them with them - things were fine. Only I wasn't as trim as I wanted to be. But after doing months of work I am no trimmer today than I was then, but I have missed out on plenty of cookies and ice cream.
I have no idea what is going on. Is that what late 30's is like? Is this what I have to look forward to for the next decade, and the rest of my life? I am not overly harsh on myself. I don't expect myself to look like I did before kids. If only I knew how awesome I looked then. I am not looking for magic, and I want to do things naturally. I want to tone up. I don't even really care if my weight or clothing size changes much I just want what I have to be tighter.... and it's not happening. I feel loose and old.
So for the last two weeks I have given up on exercise, I haven't done anything. I have still be eating healthy, natural foods with the exception of the bag of cookies I ate yesterday.
My husband thinks I am crazy and have some body image issues. He may be a tad right, but he is also wrong. If there is work to be done, I believe in doing the work. Everyone should try to be their best self inside and out. Why shouldn't I try to make things better? Yes, I look good with clothes on, but sometimes you have to take off your clothes, or wear short sleeves! It is summer after all, and the pool opened this last weekend. Nothing like that even to remind you that another season has come and the beach body you were working towards didn't show up.
I recently read about fat triggers. That for people who are unable to lose weight there is often an underlying "trigger" that prevents them from burning fat the way the body wants to. It literally blocks them from responding to the things that we know should work: exercise and diet. For some people these triggers are past emotional abuses, traumatic life events, medications, over dieting, nutritional famine (eating calories, but not nutrients), stress, limiting beliefs, and there were at least half a dozen others.
I recognize that there have been things in my past that I haven't dealt with entirely and blame myself for. I replay things that cannot be changed over and over again looking for ways I could have altered the outcome - that's not a healthy exercise and it certainly doesn't burn any calories.
Or it could be stress, I seem to have plenty of that. But isn't that just a way of life? Aren't most people stressed? Stress seems like a cop out. I know I am a bit of a control freak and like to be in charge of the things that I am impacted by. I recognize that the feeling of being out of control is uncomfortable for me. I know I need to chill out, but chilling out doesn't seem to get things done. I don't know how to do both.
And then limiting beliefs. This might be the biggest block for me, not just in my weight story but my life story. A misconception that I am not good enough, that I don't deserve the good that has come to me. The wonderful things I have been dreaming of will never be a reality. Logically, I realize how ridiculous that is. Emotionally, it's harder to let go of.
I think in some ways I am afraid to be thin, or fit. Like somehow my success in that area will make others around me feel less successful. I am holding on to an extra 5-10 lbs as some kind of sick security blanket. What am I afraid of? Maybe the answer to that question is the key to my break through. When I can figure that out and do something about it maybe the extra pounds and inches will give up their stubborn hold on me.
Is there a magic pill to help that process along? If I change the way I think, can I change the way my body responds?