I know this sounds crazy, but I don't want fellowship to end. I want things to stay just like this for a little longer. Maybe another year. It could have been possible, because the program does offer a 2 year fellowship with the 2nd year being pure research. My DrH would love that, but I shot that option down almost two years ago. I am having second thoughts now, but it is too late to change our mind we have a job to go to.
Why do I want to stay? Is it because fellowship is so great? No, but it isn't bad. Do I want to stay in this city/state? No, but it isn't bad. Do I want to live in this rental house? No, but it isn't bad.
I think what it comes down to is I am scared out of my mind. I know what I am dealing with right now and I would like a little more time to get used to it to figure out how to make it work. Recently, okay a few months ago now, we signed a contract and started receiving that long awaited stipend. What could be broken? Good question.
Why would this point in our life be scary? This is the moment that we have been waiting for.... forever. I think I have expressed sentiments similar to this already this year, but it's on my mind again and this is the only way I know to shake it out.
There is something scary about stepping into the unknown. And I realize how ridiculous that sounds because we are stepping into something very known. My husband has been perfecting his craft for 7 years, he knows it. We are moving back to a city we have known for decades, we know it. We know how to do it, but will we?
What we don't know, and what I think is at the core of my fears, is that I don't know what my life is going to look and feel like. Now that we are on the brink of starting it, it has become clear that the grand illusions I started out with in the beginning aren't real. What I envisioned, was picture perfect and flawless - and that's not life. I had hilariously high expectations. Maybe you know what I am talking about.
What I thought we would have achieved at this point is a life free from fear and worry. That once we had a job the world would magically fall into place and life would be easy. How very idealistic of me.
The truth is, there are plenty of things to worry about and pieces that need to be worked out. I don't think that will ever go away. Some things are just part of life, and regardless of how much money you have or security you feel, there will always be things that are completely outside of your control.
Sometimes I think I am super-human and immune to the temptations that upset mere mortals. Yes, it's true. What is also true, is that despite doubling our salary over the last 3 months we have saved next to nothing. That's right, we are living the life - or perhaps we are living with unintended consequences.
I certainly didn't expect this extra money to disappear so quickly, and trust me it does. I had what I thought was a great plan in place so we could save X by the time we relocated. We aren't going to come close. Maybe I'll post about that later this week.
What it boils down to is I am afraid that we haven't had enough time living like this and that when we do get more (and we will) it will disappear just as quickly. We need to find our balance, our average, our baseline, our groove.
So if I could stop the clock for a while, I would stay like this - just as we are now- for a little longer. Maybe 6 months to a year. Seeing as that isn't possible I am going to have to come to grips with my fears and make a plan to conquer them and arm wrestle my husband into following along.