Tuesday, March 26, 2013

That's Crazy Talk, and I Know It

I know this sounds crazy, but I don't want fellowship to end. I want things to stay just like this for a little longer. Maybe another year. It could have been possible, because the program does offer a 2 year fellowship with the 2nd year being pure research. My DrH would love that, but I shot that option down almost two years ago. I am having second thoughts now, but it is too late to change our mind we have a job to go to.

Why do I want to stay? Is it because fellowship is so great? No, but it isn't bad. Do I want to stay in this city/state? No, but it isn't bad. Do I want to live in this rental house? No, but it isn't bad.

I think what it comes down to is I am scared out of my mind. I know what I am dealing with right now and I would like a little more time to get used to it to figure out how to make it work. Recently, okay a few months ago now, we signed a contract and started receiving that long awaited stipend. What could be broken? Good question.

Why would this point in our life be scary? This is the moment that we have been waiting for.... forever. I think I have expressed sentiments similar to this already this year, but it's on my mind again and this is the only way I know to shake it out.

There is something scary about stepping into the unknown. And I realize how ridiculous that sounds because we are stepping into something very known. My husband has been perfecting his craft for 7 years, he knows it. We are moving back to a city we have known for decades, we know it. We know how to do it, but will we?

What we don't know, and what I think is at the core of my fears, is that I don't know what my life is going to look and feel like. Now that we are on the brink of starting it, it has become clear that the grand illusions I started out with in the beginning aren't real. What I envisioned, was picture perfect and flawless - and that's not life. I had hilariously high expectations. Maybe you know what I am talking about.

What I thought we would have achieved at this point is a life free from fear and worry. That once we had a job the world would magically fall into place and life would be easy. How very idealistic of me.

The truth is, there are plenty of things to worry about and pieces that need to be worked out. I don't think that will ever go away. Some things are just part of life, and regardless of how much money you have or security you feel, there will always be things that are completely outside of your control.

Sometimes I think I am super-human and immune to the temptations that upset mere mortals. Yes, it's true. What is also true, is that despite doubling our salary over the last 3 months we have saved next to nothing. That's right, we are living the life - or perhaps we are living with unintended consequences.

I certainly didn't expect this extra money to disappear so quickly, and trust me it does. I had what I thought was a great plan in place so we could save X by the time we relocated. We aren't going to come close. Maybe I'll post about that later this week.

What it boils down to is I am afraid that we haven't had enough time living like this and that when we do get more (and we will) it will disappear just as quickly.  We need to find our balance, our average, our baseline, our groove.

So if I could stop the clock for a while, I would stay like this - just as we are now- for a little longer. Maybe 6 months to a year. Seeing as that isn't possible I am going to have to come to grips with my fears and make a plan to conquer them and arm wrestle my husband into following along.


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11 comments:

  1. Wouldn't it be great if we could all stop the clock? I am sure this feeling comes with the territory of the new chapter you are just starting to experience. Try to stay positive because only good things will be happening in your future and that should excite you. Of course there is the uncertainty and natural worry. The finances...its all a learning curve. Your move and new chapter is such a fun thing to look forward to! I can't wait to read about your new adventure as a family :)

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    1. I hope your positive attitude is contagious - I need to focus on the brighter things, but my tendency is to go straight for the worst in every scenario. Yes, it is going to be fun!

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  2. I think it's completely natural and when we all paint our future "perfect" lives, we forget how our bills will multiply, how we will be putting all our extra money to pay off school loans and, thus, will still be living paycheck to paycheck for awhile more. Grow into it slowly and you will be happy. We are doing good and happy where we finally are! :)

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    1. I wasn't expecting it to be so painful but reality isn't looking anything like what I thought it would. I guess that what's you get for having an extended period of time to dream. Darn those long residencies!

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  3. Both us and our financial worries. I'm sure it's hard being further down the road with more at stake, but most of us start in the red and move slowly to the black. You'll get to that comfortable place in a few years and it's good you're wary of the future. Change is terrifying but you will find a steady path eventually.

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    1. I am sure there is a name for this disease:-)

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  4. It's funny you should post this. I would like to stop time right now too but for different reasons. We are in dire need of a stipend (though some how we manage to "make it" each month...don't ask me how) but my kids are so young and cute and I just want to stop the clock. I've actually recently gotten very upset and angry that Dr H is missing out on their cuteness. I do regret it. I wish there were a different way. The money...let me say find yourself a financial planner quick. Before you run out of money to save. The first six months will feel like you have so much money and after that you won't know where it all went, so says my MIL also a dr wife who went through med school and residency with my fil. tax attorney's are the best financial planners. they get paid for their services and don't make a penny off of your investments tanking or rising. also...always have your books audited by a third party to make sure your accountant/tax attorney is not "cooking" your books. our good friend had his own business. his partner stole $1million right from under his nose over the course of 10 years. a new employee brought it to his attention and the ex-partner is serving a 10 year prison sentence. i don't say that to scare you. money is a tricky thing. people get really weird about it. protect yourself, allow yourself some splurges and enjoy being able to FINALLY pay your bills (hopefully all of them and on time!:))

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    1. I have had those moments when I wanted to stop time and really watch my kids grow, and feeling sorry that their dad is missing all of it. There isn't a cure for that that I know of. I think part of the reason I am stressing is that all of the professionals are lined up and now I am seeing that a surgeons salary isn't all I thought it was going to be. That's a topic for another day! But we can pay the bills:-)

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  5. I completely know the feeling. I think all med spouses do. It seems like no matter what step you are in that comes closer to a practicing doc, it gets scarier. You're completely normal to have all of these feelings, and you should! It's good to be honest with yourself! Don't beat yourself up for not saving as much as you thought you would, being as excited as you thought you may be, or having unrealistic expectations. We have to make mistakes to know how to do it right. Now you know your habits a bit more, and you can hone in on where the trouble areas are. The best part of this is no matter what, you and your hubby are moving TOGETHER. You'll both experience the scary parts and exciting parts, but you won't be alone. And if you ever feel alone, you can write on your blog and we'll be sure to encourage & support you through it!

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    1. Thank you Meredith, that was very encouraging:-) I am convinced I would be a mess without this blog.

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  6. I think I'm the opposite!!! Maybe because I just moved to the place we will be living "forever" (fingers crossed)and we have 3 months left. It can't come fast enough!!! It's not like things will change that much, but at least I'll be able to afford a babysitter so I can go to therapy...oh I mean so I can get a break to BREATHE or go to the bathroom alone ;)

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