Friday, December 7, 2012

Babies, Twins, and Dreams - oh my!

If you are a woman reading this there is a high probability that you have had a dream (or nightmare) about having an unplanned pregnancy. That seems to be one of the hallmarks of womanhood. If you haven't had one yet you will.

Regardless of the type of birth control we are employing there is always a small chance that it won't work. Short of discontinuing the bonds of physical intimacy, babies are a risk we accept until more permanent preventative methods are agreed upon. My husband doesn't want to be snipped, and I don't want to make any final decisions about my reproduction yet either. That leaves us in limbo and subject to the laws of nature.

We know of one couple who had tubes tied and a vasectomy and still managed to get pregnant. I have a friend who conceived while on an IUD (and delivered a very premature baby). Others who have been on the pill, using back up methods, who had babies. Unless they have lied to me. You know couples like this too!

At this current point in time we are very happy with our family. I love babies, especially infants, so I can't help but oh and ah over my friends babies or sweet little ones I see out and about. Currently, my circle of friends seem to include pregnant and recently delivered moms. They are everywhere!

These dreams have infiltrated throughout the years, and sometimes they freak me out more than others.  Usually the ones that happen right after I have had a baby are the most terrifying. And then there are the ones about multiples.

This week I went over to visit my neighbor who had twins a couple of months ago. Every time I see her she looks so worn out. Happy, but worn out. I recognized the look having spent many months (probably years) in that state. The one where your house can't ever get clean, you can't get a shower or a full nights sleep, the baby always needs something, and going somewhere requires more energy than you are willing to expend. She has her hands full times two!

Her husband accepted a new job and moved here the same time we did. They have a daughter who is my daughters age, and now twins. Her husband works a lot, and travels out of town 2-3 days a week. I look at her and think that could be me, only with more kids! I have been trying to think of some way that I can help her because offering "let me know if you need anything, I am more than willing to do whatever you need" wasn't working. So finally I just said, it is crazy that we both go to the school to pick up our kids. Why don't you let me pick up your daughter every day? I am there every day anyway. Would that help?

Of course it would help, and thankfully she accepted. But I recognized something else in her that I also have. We don't ask for help even though we might desperately need it. Possibly because we don't know where to start. So I resolved that instead of just offering vague help to people I would be more specific in the future and have an idea of what I could do. Picking up from school is a small thing for me, but I know it will save her from trying to load up two babies who may be hungry or tired or both.

Back to my dreams. My last one included being pregnant with twins due right after fellowship ends.  Triple whammy. Baby. Baby. Move.

Could there be a worse combination? Maybe, but this scenario seemed pretty bad. I am sure all the pregnancy and new mom hormone vibes around me have created an environment ripe for producing dreams of this nature. Or maybe because I was thinking about my neighbor again, and how hard it is to meet new people when you have just had a baby. Your time and energy are focused elsewhere and not on making friends. And yet a friend is exactly what you need when you move AND when you have a new baby.

It's not enough to have a friend(s) "back home" or friends "online". You need a friend that can run over and check to see if you closed your garage door because you ran out of the house so fast you can't remember. You need a friend who can drop by when they get a feeling you might need a visitor. You need a friend who can look at your house without judging and start putting things away. You need a friend who can hold your tired baby while you make lunch for yourself before it's time to make dinner. You need someone to look you in the eye and tell you everything is going to be OK, I am here.

It hasn't been easy making new friends, and we are nearly at the half way mark in our countdown. 29 weeks to go! But there is value in making connections with people even if they are only temporary.  And perhaps that is the part of the dream that is most frightening.... not having a friend(s) when you really need one. And I would count having twins in a new city a crisis!

Just in case you are wondering, I am not pregnant. It was just a dream:-)

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5 comments:

  1. Facebook makes it a thousand times worse - I have 500 friends but only two that would be willing to pick me up if my car breaks down :P. My mom had twins at 38 while she was on the pill - you can never be sure!

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  2. I always say I could LOVE twins, but then I look at our life and it freaks me out having any children right now. SO many of our friends have children or are currently trying, so you're not alone with the dreams!
    On another note: Completely agree, if it is only for a short time, there is so much value in forming relationships and investing in where you are, even if it is temporary.

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  3. I agree with the above poster. We now have so many "friends" on Facebook, but you can probably count your real friends by exactly that--who could you call to pick you up if your car breaks down?! I do think if you really want to help someone who needs it, you just have to jump in and do it. If someone tells me to "call me if you need me" -- well, I'd never really call them. It's nice that you stepped in to do something concrete. I'm sure she appreciates it so much.

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  4. I just had a baby and have an older child as well. I have my wonderful "online" friends but they can't come over to hold my baby or take my older one to the park. God was looking out for me because so many people have offered to bring food and I have let them. Still to this day people are offering and I'm letting them. It feels like forever but truly my baby is barely 2 months old. (8 weeks to be exact). I just had my house cleaned for the first time in MONTHS. I am so stressed out I don't even really realize HOW stressed out I am. It's been a long time since I've been this overwhelmed. It's good of you to reach out to a new mom in a new city (new mom to twins that is). Sometimes its the friendships that blossom quickly that are the most long lasting. A true friend is someone who steps up to help when they see you need it instead of making a general offer and never following through. I wish more people like you lived near me. I'm finding my little angels but lately it feels like I need more angels to help me out... this life (residency) with new kids and a tired and busy husband makes for a real circus. =)

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  5. I am beyond this, but it was VERY hard and emotional to come to peace with the fact that there would be no more babies in my future. But I must say, I am loving the fact the light at the end of the teen parenting tunnel is shinning very bright!!

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