Friday, November 16, 2012

My Midnight Panic

Warning: don't read this if your dreams are easily influenced by the dreams of others.

My husband left for his interview yesterday morning. THE INTERVIEW. The one that he wants. The BIG one.

So what do I do? I stay up way too late.

It was approaching midnight when I decided to finally call it a day and get ready for bed. I finished praying and just as I was about to get up felt a sharp pain in my head. Aneurysm, I'm dead. (This is what happens when you marry a doctor and are aware of the systems and outcomes).

Panic set in. My husband just left for an out of state trip. I usually talk to my mother on Sunday - that was three days away. I am not expecting any calls. We don't know anyone here. My kids don't know how to dial 911. It was a full blown panic attack.

I had the very awake nightmare seeing my dead body on the floor while my children were sleeping unaware for hours. I could hear the baby screaming in the morning when she woke up and realized I wasn't coming to get her, needing to be changed, hungry and that sweet face red, covered in tears and snot.

How long would I lay dead before someone would come looking for me? My husband would attempt to call that morning before his interview. He would leave a message if I didn't answer, and only later during the day would he get worried if he wasn't able to get a hold of me.

That would mean at least 12-18 hours before someone would even have reason to think that something might be wrong.

I decided that my kids would learn how to call 911 that very next day. They would learn how to call their dad and their grandparents from my phone.We would go meet our neighbors (at least four of them) and introduce our children. We would make a plan, so that I don't have to worry about what might happen.

I was finally able to fall asleep after I convinced myself that the pain I experienced wasn't a aneurysm or a stroke, and that I was fine. I am sure it was from dehydration, poor eating, low blood-pressure and staying up late. My children will be fine. My husbands interview isn't going to be cut short because I died. Everything was going to be alright.

The more I have reflected on this moment of panic I began to see it for what it really was. Good things are on the horizon and I don't know how to handle it. I keep waiting for something bad to happen, the other shoe to drop. This is the moment that we have been waiting for for years, decades. I can't even begin to comprehend a different reality. After all of this, is it possible that "this" will one day be over and replaced with something different?

I am trying to embrace and enjoy these next few weeks and months without giving in to my irrational fears. I know they are complete lunacy. I know they are. I know they are. I know they are.

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7 comments:

  1. One of the downfalls to be married to a doc- paranoia! I do this way too much too!
    Best of luck to your husband on his interview!! Looking forward to seeing where you end up :)

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  2. Sounds EXACTLY like me. I'm not married to a doc but have panic attacks and OCD (& hypochondria) and I always am thinking I have an aneurysm or something serious!

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  3. I bet you are tired today! I would encourage you to get excited - interviewing for a real job is SO much easier than residency/med school/fellowship - the majority of the time they are trying to sell the place to you, not the other way around. They want well-trained people and it's like they are dating you. So not the begging game liek when you are a trainee. If anything, the take-away should be that your husband should negotiate when he inevitably gets a bunch of offers. They expect it, and their first offer is never their final. He should also have a lawyer who works with docs in the state in which the job is review the contract, as many things are state-specific and they can weigh in on the non-compete clause etc and make sure you aren't getting screwed. I was shocked when I interviewed for my first job out of residency how easy it was, and I should have negotiated more. Enjoy the ride! The good times are in reach. -Jen at www.themamayears.com

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    1. Thanks for the good advice! It is exciting, but my excitement tends to start with paranoia:-)

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  4. I totally laughed. Lots!! ONLY b/c I do this all of the time. ALL of the time. :)

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  5. With you... I once fell running up the stairs carrying a load of laundry. Bashed my head into the wall and heard something in my neck pop. Dazed, I fell into a puddle on the floor. All I could think is that the dog wasn't even home with me to bark and alert the neighbor had I broken my neck. It would probably be 14 hours until Doc H came home and found me! Terrible! :(

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