My Midnight Panic

Warning: don't read this if your dreams are easily influenced by the dreams of others.

My husband left for his interview yesterday morning. THE INTERVIEW. The one that he wants. The BIG one.

So what do I do? I stay up way too late.

It was approaching midnight when I decided to finally call it a day and get ready for bed. I finished praying and just as I was about to get up felt a sharp pain in my head. Aneurysm, I'm dead. (This is what happens when you marry a doctor and are aware of the systems and outcomes).

Panic set in. My husband just left for an out of state trip. I usually talk to my mother on Sunday - that was three days away. I am not expecting any calls. We don't know anyone here. My kids don't know how to dial 911. It was a full blown panic attack.

I had the very awake nightmare seeing my dead body on the floor while my children were sleeping unaware for hours. I could hear the baby screaming in the morning when she woke up and realized I wasn't coming to get her, needing to be changed, hungry and that sweet face red, covered in tears and snot.

How long would I lay dead before someone would come looking for me? My husband would attempt to call that morning before his interview. He would leave a message if I didn't answer, and only later during the day would he get worried if he wasn't able to get a hold of me.

That would mean at least 12-18 hours before someone would even have reason to think that something might be wrong.

I decided that my kids would learn how to call 911 that very next day. They would learn how to call their dad and their grandparents from my phone.We would go meet our neighbors (at least four of them) and introduce our children. We would make a plan, so that I don't have to worry about what might happen.

I was finally able to fall asleep after I convinced myself that the pain I experienced wasn't a aneurysm or a stroke, and that I was fine. I am sure it was from dehydration, poor eating, low blood-pressure and staying up late. My children will be fine. My husbands interview isn't going to be cut short because I died. Everything was going to be alright.

The more I have reflected on this moment of panic I began to see it for what it really was. Good things are on the horizon and I don't know how to handle it. I keep waiting for something bad to happen, the other shoe to drop. This is the moment that we have been waiting for for years, decades. I can't even begin to comprehend a different reality. After all of this, is it possible that "this" will one day be over and replaced with something different?

I am trying to embrace and enjoy these next few weeks and months without giving in to my irrational fears. I know they are complete lunacy. I know they are. I know they are. I know they are.