Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Drive Yourself Crazy

I often joke that as part of being married to medicine wives should be given a refillable prescription for the anti-depression/anxiety medication of their choice with no expiration date. Mine would be dispensed out of a gum ball style machine. There are so many things that happen along the way that can really throw ones balance off. Having said that, I jest about taking medication but have never taken them. It has been a temptation on more than one occasion, and it has probably been warranted more often than that! If you do, your mental state is probably a good deal better than mine, and I may be jealous. Once again, blogging is cheaper than medication!

One of the many things that can drive a person crazy is thinking of all the possibilities for the future. Where will we be for medical school, internship, residency, fellowship, jobs? Will they have good schools? Will housing be affordable? Will it be near family? Will I make friends? Will the weather be nice? The questions are endless and can consume ones mental energy for a long time if you allow it.

Trust me when I say I have driven myself crazy over each of these questions! By nature I am a planner. That is how I tend to cope with the unpredictable, I try to plan for it. If I had a crystal ball it would be well used. I dislike surprises and I am not spontaneous, but I like to think I am still fun - I just like that fun to be well-planned:-)

When my husband was applying for internships and residency I researched all of the possible locations. In the end I only needed to research one and I didn't need to start researching until after the match. There was still plenty of time, even for me. This time around, as he has interviewed for fellowships I have had to force myself to NOT go overboard with my planning and predicting. Let's face it, the fellowship won't start for another year and anything I find today could possibly change by then.

I thought I would be relived when we knew where we were going for fellowship, and I am. But apparently not enough. I still fret over where we might end up, because it will most likely be the place we call home for the rest of our life. It's a big deal! So when my husband tells me of where the current positions are available for his speciality I only listen with one ear. I won't allow myself to get all worked up this early in the game. When it comes time to apply and interview once again I may slip into the mode, but only long enough to narrow the list to my preferred locations. No wildly long spreadsheets, no sleepless nights trying to guess where we might go. No more driving myself crazy over something that I have very limited control over. Because if there is one thing I've learned on this journey it's that we don't really control our destiny - we go where we are accepted. Hard pill to swallow when you like to feel in control of your future.

Relax. Breathe. See what life has in store for you. (Advice from myself to myself. I hope I take it.)

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